Pi Day's Eve

March 13, Pi day's eve, as I was told by a friend this evening.  Two years ago on this very night, I was sitting in my bed, just as I am now, writing on my iPad.  I was thinking and reflecting and finding just the right words to use in my goodbye letter to Miri.  And here it is two years later, and I'm still sitting here, thinking and reflecting and realizing just how far I've come.  Two years ago, I was anxious about spreading her ashes.  I cried a lot that evening in anticipation of how that final goodbye would go.  I had no idea how liberating it was going to be and how that Pi Day would be the first day where I felt unchained from my sorrows.  One year ago, I was still sad about all those milestones I missed during her first year, I still cried a bit, but I was proud of myself for how much emotional healing I had done. I was pregnant and still anxious, and I wasn't quite ready for Pi Day.  This year, there are no more tears.  I'm not fooling myself--there's still a small lump in my throat--I do wish she was here and that I could celebrate her birthday.  I was thinking about it a lot tonight. If Miri was alive, I wouldn't be typing now.  I would be blowing up balloons.  I would be hanging streamers.  I would be wrapping presents.  I would be scrambling around the house trying to locate that rogue roll of Scotch tape that I know we have but has gone missing just at the wrong time.  And as I'm searching, I would be having a conversation with my husband (who by the way, would tell me that I was crazy for going all out with the balloons and streamers) about how the decorations ARE important and I don't care if she won't have any memories of going to bed in a normal room but waking up to a fully decorated birthday surprise.  I would explain to him that it would be fun for her and it would set the tone for her special day.  But I'm doing none of that tonight.  She's not alive. 

My life has gone down a different path.  And that's okay.  Even though I feel like I can see just what could have been as if it were, I'm not lamenting the fact that that isn't my life.  I am truly happy with where my life has ended up.  I love Annalie.  I love that I got the chance to meet her and raise her.  I love that my kids are 4 years apart, not two and a half.  I love that our loss brought my husband and I closer together.  I love the new friendships I have made.  I love the wisdom I have gained.  I love the perspective on life that I now have.

And this year, I set my alarm to go off slightly early so I can make it to the store and buy some pies for my math class tomorrow.  I'm going to celebrate Pi day with a nod to the birthday that almost was.