Miscarriages vs Stillbirths

A miscarriage is different from a stillbirth.  And unless you are so unfortunate as to go through a stillbirth, the two might seem pretty similar.  With a miscarriage, it happens early on in the pregnancy.  Often, you're still wearing your normal clothes, and the pregnancy feels more like a rumor than a fact since you never got to feel the baby move inside you.  In reality, 1 out of every 5 pregnancies are miscarriages.  It is frequent, common, and somewhat expected.  I don't mean to minimize the loss of a miscarriage.  It is tragic.  And it really hurts.  And you wish it hadn't happened.  And there is that loss of a dream for the future.  But the difference is that it happens early on, before it becomes noticeable to others.  And every woman is aware of the risk of a miscarriage during the beginning of a pregnancy and feels a sense of relief once that risky period is over.  And, women who miscarry have the option of keeping it private.  But someone who experiences a still birth has a much different experience.  It's not just a dream for the future that was lost, it was a nearly certain future.  They knew their baby's gender, they picked out a name, there were registries, nurseries, maybe even showers.  There was feeling life inside of you and then feeling nothing.  There was a fully-formed person who didn't make it.  There may have been the telling of the other children and explaining death to them and the question-answering that followed.  There are the changes in your body both during and after--the large stomach and stretched out muscles, the sleepless nights from constantly going to the bathroom, the milk coming in but no one to feed, the major hormone shifts, the post-partum depression (which gets really depressing), the  not wanting to wear maternity clothes because you're not pregnant and you don't have a baby but not having enough stretchy regular clothes that fit--that are completely out of your control.  It's not something you can hide from, even if you want to.  In my case, there is a new scar from the surgery that will be forever present, forever reminding me of the loss.  Stillbirths mean that you cannot grieve privately, even if that's what you need.  People will come up and ask you questions which you may or may not be prepared to answer.  And when you do answer them, watching their reaction is hard.  Miscarriages and stillbirths are just different.  And this is important for people to realize, especially if you are ever trying to comfort a friend who has just lost their baby.  Saying, "I know how you are feeling, because I too had a miscarriage" really explains that you don't know.  It's different.