It's
March 9th, and I actually had to go to work on a Saturday. About
halfway along my 30-minute commute at 6:45 in the morning, it hit me
like a ton of bricks that Miri would be just about to celebrate her 1
year birthday. I was expecting the 14th to be a tough day, not the 9th.
I just couldn't control my tears as I drove along the highway thinking
of all the milestones we've missed (especially those that would be
happening about now, like watching her take those first unsteady steps)
and all that we'd be looking forward to in the year ahead. And I tried
to comfort myself by thinking that if she were here, I wouldn't be
pregnant now, and that Annalie wouldn't have ever had a chance to be. I
reminded myself that her life just wasn't meant to be. But, maybe it's
the pregnancy hormones, or maybe I'm still grieving more than I
realize...I just needed to ride the wave and let the tears flow, because
nothing I told myself made me feel better that morning.
Tomorrow
is Pi Day--March 14th--what would have been Miri's 1 year-old birthday,
had things gone as expected. I know I'll probably have a moment or two
throughout the day where the thoughts flow into my head, but I think
I'll handle it well. I'm in a good frame of mind. I just realized this
afternoon, though, that this is the first time since I was in high
school that I'll be in a math class on Pi day without buying pies for
everyone. I just didn't even think about celebrating until today. I've
been so focused on how I'll make it through, that the thought of pies
didn't even cross my mind. So, I'm not quite there yet. But I'm
hopeful that by next year, in my mind, March 14th won't be "the birthday
that wasn't", but it'll be back to Pi Day, the best math day of the
year, with a little afterthought of what wasn't.
So
it's Pi Day, and I was so wrapped up in myself, I didn't realize that
today was the day that Joy found out about Gabby's condition until I
read a post of hers on Facebook. I thought we talked over the weekend
(after a few days had passed), because I remember being at the zoo with
Andy and Whitney when I got the phone call. It's funny how March 14th
is so significant to both of us now, and how our lives are both forever
intertwined in yet another dramatic way. It just solidifies the thought
that people come into your life when you need them and that they'll
stay until all the lessons you need to learn were learned, and Joy
resurfaced years ago when I needed to see her strength and independence
to give me the final push to break up with a long-term boyfriend, and
she's stayed, because we needed to be there for each other through our
own traumas. She and I have this bond that very few people could ever
know, and I'm so grateful that I have someone to talk to and that I can
be there for her. I am doing alright
today--I had a rough go on Saturday and then again last night thinking
about it, but I think I got all the emotion out ahead of time. And it's
good that I did. The first thing a student asked me this morning, was
"No pie?" I told him that I just wasn't in the mood to celebrate this
year. And then Andy thought he'd be nice and buy me a pie for when I
came home from work, but apparently Whitney vetoed pecan pie, peach pie,
and cherry pie. The store was sold out of apple. So she suggested
chocolate chip cookie pie--in other words a big cookie cake. And that was
what he bought. I came home from work to a birthday cookie cake (and no
birthday girl). It didn't say "Happy birthday", but it was decorated
in bright icing and sprinkles, as a birthday cookie would be. I know he
meant well, though. Luckily, I wasn't too upset. I focused on how
nice he was to think to buy me a pie so I didn't miss my "holiday".
And, I did slice into it after dinner, and silently wished Miri a happy
almost birthday.
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