My Story--I Haven't Quite Put It All Behind Me

As the third trimester is approaching, there are still signs that I haven't quite put it all behind me.    I've been doing a lot of daydreaming about what it'll be like when Annalie is born.  And just as I mentally had prepared for the hard events by playing the scenes over and over in my head--of picking up Miri's ashes and spreading them and in both cases crying so hard my knees would buckle--I'm playing the moment of Annalie's birth over and over.  I keep picturing laying on the operating table, and at the sound of her first cry, I imagine myself crying equally hard out of pure relief, and just not being able to stop.  I've even wondered, if I am that hysterical, will my OB be able to sew me back up?  I think about how it will be the same feeling as seeing that first heartbeat, but magnified because she'll actually be here, and I will have made it through the pregnancy.  I guess it's a good sign that I'm picturing things going well, but it's amazing how much nervousness there really must be deep inside, just waiting to be released.  Hopefully, like the other scenes, I will have worked through the emotion ahead of time, and it won't be how I picture it...This time, it'll be much better.

Another instance of realizing that I'm not totally over the stillbirth experience has been going on now for a few months.  My mom had mentioned the possibility of going to Hawaii (again) to visit my Aunt in mid-May.  Normally, I wouldn't care, but I'll be right around 31 weeks pregnant, and I just have this fear--I know it is completely irrational--that something will go wrong while she's gone again.  I was nervous in January when she and my dad both went to Hawaii while I was visiting Joy, but this trip in May just feels different than that one.  I didn't say a word about it to anyone, because I have the presence of mind to know that I'm being irrational, but it still bothered me.  I intuitively know she can't go earlier because she watches Whitney while I'm at work.  She can't go later, because of Whitney's birthday party, and then we'll be in the "any day now" phase of the pregnancy.  And she won't leave me immediately after a c-section, trying to raise two kids by myself while Andy's working all day.  And, as soon as I'm recovered enough to take care of both kids, it'll be Whitney's actual birthday, and then time for the semester to start again.  I understand that if she is going to go, May is the time.  But it just makes me uncomfortable.  Then, yesterday, she told me that this trip was no longer a possibility, because my aunt already had a house guest for the week she was wanting to go.  Phew!  I was so relieved.  Tears came to my eyes and a level of tension that I didn't know was there was released.  It's these little things that tell me that there are still issues I have from last year that need to be worked out.