My Story--The Past Can Be The Past

Well, finally some good news came my way.  After discussing my annual evaluation with my department chair twice, I went to the Dean to discuss it with him.  I wrote a thoughtful letter with 10 reasons about why it was unfair to lower my evaluation score due to a FMLA leave.  When I explained the situation to the Dean, without even looking at my letter or past evaluations, he couldn't believe that this was the reason for a low score, told me that it was illegal for my chair to do that, confirmed the illegality with HR, and asked me to please not sue the university.  He said that he'd take care of the situation for me and not to worry.  It was a 3 minute meeting, and with none of the other reasons why I thought it was unfair, he was on my side, and more than that, he said that if it came to a lawsuit, he'd have to testify on my behalf.  I really have no intention on suing anyone.  I just wanted my evaluation to be fair, but it was nice to know that I was right--that having a stillborn should not affect my evaluation or my raise--and that he didn't need to stay neutral and hear both sides before making a decision.  I was proud that I stood up for myself and argued my case, and it felt good that my livelihood at work wouldn't be affected after all because of having a stillborn.  The past can be the past after all.

Now that the school year has ended, I get to finally focus some mental energy on this pregnancy.  July will be here before I know it, but I just have this feeling that she's going to come early.  Everything else in the pregnancy happened early, so why not the birth too?  Every time I think about actually having a baby to hold, tears come to my eyes--tears of happiness and tears of relief that she made it.  It'll be such a miracle.  There's a big part of me that is really worried that I won't be able to hold it together.  If I cry when I see her, that's fine with me.  I've been on a teary-eyed emotional roller coaster for the past year.  But I'm really afraid that it'll start on the operating table when I hear her first cry or they hold her up and I see her for the first time, and she's literally just perfect.  All the repressed anxiety will be over with, and I envision it to be just overwhelming.  And I worry that it'll come out as such a heaving, out-of-control crying that my doctor won't be able to sew me up because my stomach muscles will be moving too much.  Just thinking about seeing her and holding her makes me happy to the point of tears right now.  I don't know how I'll handle the real thing.  I'll be deliriously happy, but probably an emotional wreck at the same time.

At the end of June, I took Whitney on a hospital tour because she was seeming to get nervous about me going into the hospital.  I don't know if it was because she had a subconscious memory of last time, or if too many people in her life had been having surgery recently, and the thought of me doing it was more than she could handle.  So on our tour, they showed us where to check in, the labor and delivery room, the ante-partum room, and a hospital room.  I am so glad I am in a good place mentally dealing with the stillborn, because the labor and delivery room they showed us was the exact room I stayed in after losing Miri.  And walking back in there and seeing everything just as it had been was fine.  It didn't resurface all those awful experiences or all the grief.  I obviously remembered the room, but seeing it again was not a big deal.  I just hope I get a different room when I have Annalie.  The more things that are different, the better!  The rest of the tour was relatively uneventful.  Whitney was fascinated by the wheelchair she saw in the hallway and I explained that I would get to take a wheelchair ride when I left.  She was so excited by that.  They took us by the nursery to see some newborns, although none were in there at that particular moment, and they showed us the waiting room where she would be while I was having the c-section.  It did make her feel better about everything and she became excited to show all the places to her grandpa, who would be with her through everything.  The tour leader also gave her a sticker that read "I'm a BIG sister" to wear on the day when I had the baby.  It was definitely a really good experience for her, and now we all can look forward to our big day.