It's July 2nd.
I am literally 2 1/2 days away from the c-section, and finally over
the last two days, I've become ready. Not just physically ready--I've
been big and uncomfortable long enough--but mentally ready as well. In
the last few weeks, I've been fantasizing about the birth, the emotions,
the aftermath, and I'm finally able to think about hearing her cry for
the first time, seeing her for the first time, holding her, and all the
other joys that go along with her birth without breaking down and
crying. I just can't wait for the day.
I've
been having contractions, and you'd think after two c-sections, I'd know
what to expect and when it's time to go to the hospital. But funny
enough, I've never gone into labor on my own. With Whitney, the
Cervadil jump-started my labor, and I never started labor with Miri.
It's hard to know whether this is a really strong Braxton Hicks
contraction or the real thing. Everyone says you'll know the
difference...I'm waiting for that aha moment and waiting to go to the
hospital. I think I've read all the articles online about the signs of
impending labor about 5 times each, hoping that it'll start soon, but
still nothing. I'm kind of surprised she's made it this long and I'm
starting to wonder if my body even knows how to go into labor. I can't
dilate, so maybe this is something else that won't happen. I'm a bit torn, though...I really want her to be able to stay inside
and develop as much as possible, but at the same time, I really want to
get the show on the road!
At dinner time on
July 4th, I was in shock that I hadn't gone into labor yet, and I
realized that her birthday would be tomorrow no matter what. My mom
made me a "last meal" since I knew there would be nothing to eat past
midnight tonight until 8:00 on July 6th. We made arrangements for my daughter
to sleep over at their house since Andy and I would be leaving our house
at 5:30 in the morning to get to the hospital on time. The drive home
that night was full of excitement and nervousness. My mom had told me
that day that I had done everything possible to make sure she was safe
and healthy and had the best chance to make it. And while hearing that
was so nice, there was still trepidation...I told her that there were
still 12 more hours that I was responsible for. Having lost Miri, I
knew that there was no reason why she died at 31 weeks. It could happen
at any point, and so until I heard that first cry, I would still be
worried. But she then told me that realistically, as soon as I stepped
foot in the hospital, I was no longer responsible for her life--it would
be the hospital's job to make sure she was still doing well. They
would be monitoring her and someone would be there right away if she was
in distress. And that knowing that made the ride to the hospital the
next morning so much more relieving.
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