I am now 30 weeks and 3 days
along in the pregnancy. I made sure I had my 3-D ultrasound on the
earlier end of the timeframe they give you (I did it at week 29),
because I missed it with Miri. We had a viability party for Annalie
over the weekend, another thing that we had put on hold with Miri. And
despite how much I'm making sure I don't take things for granted and how
positive I've been feeling that this time she's going to make it, today
was really tough. It was today in Miri's pregnancy that I believe I
lost her while driving down the highway. As I was driving to work this
morning (down the highway), I couldn't help but get wrapped up in the
emotion of it all. I was thinking about Annalie, and how "alive" she is
in my mind, even though religion tells me that life starts at a first
breath. And part of the thought that Miri wasn't technically alive was
comforting a year ago, but today it hit me that she really was just as
"alive" as Annalie is to me now. Then about 15 minutes into the drive, I
realized that I hadn't yet felt Annalie kick this morning. I had been
up since 6:00, and typically not an hour goes by without feeling
something. This was unusual. I thought about going to the doctor, for a
"just checking" doppler, but their office wasn't opened yet, and I
didn't want to go to the emergency room. So, just as before, I waited
to see. I started getting overwhelmed with the thoughts of what would I
do if it happened again. And the images in my mind were so real and so
detailed. I thought about what it would be like to find out that she
had died in the middle of the night while I was asleep and how I would
handle that news. I had a dream that night that I gave birth to her,
and that I was bleeding, so not feeling her move
started to really be troublesome on top of this dream that I was no
longer pregnant. I thought about what the c-section would be like this
time, and that since no matter what, this would be my last pregnancy,
whether or not I would want to do things differently. And I thought
that I would. Maybe this time, I'd want to see her and hold her, and
give her a hug and a kiss. Something that I never got to do with Miri.
After the 3-D ultrasound, I feel like I already have a good idea of
what she looks like. She's got big eyes, like her sister, a pretty
smile, my husband's ears...she's got a face, and so seeing her dead
wouldn't be as traumatic this time as I thought it would have been last
time. And last time it was really hard never getting to hold Miri. I still believe it was the right decision, and I don't for one minute regret not seeing her or holding her. This time, the thought that I'd never get to hold another one of my babies again if I didn't do it was enough to make me consider it. I figured Andy would disagree and
have the same feelings as before and so we'd have to go through her death somewhat
separately this time. I thought about how much I missed Miri, and how
much I would miss Annalie too. And while all this was going on in my
head, I was praying that Annalie would just move a little. I cried,
still missing Miri, and worried that Annalie had succumbed to the same
fate, for the rest of my commute to work. Luckily, when I got out of
the car, I finally felt a small nudge. It lessened my fears about
Annalie, but I was still sad about Miri. Surprisingly, coping with this
was harder for me than January 10th was, the one-year anniversary of
her c-section. I hadn't prepared myself for how difficult a day this
was going to be, and I walked into work still visibly upset.
It
was another reminder that there's still emotional healing left for me
to do. Then, during my day at work, things didn't get much better. My
annual evaluation came back, and I had gone from the top of the rankings
to second from the bottom. I asked my department chair why the major
decrease, and he told me that it was because I was out on medical leave
for part of a semester, and did not teach a full load. So apparently,
the repercussions of having a stillborn were not yet over either. And,
the evaluation score is what annual raises are based upon. Therefore,
Miri's death had affected me not only emotionally and physically, but
now financially as well. As much as I may try, it's really hard to let
the past be the past. There are constant reminders of what happened. Now, aside from feeling sad and depressed, I also
felt angry and discriminated against. I cried
the whole way home from work too. This was one of those days when you
just need a hug.
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