My Story--I Think Differently Now

I almost just wrote, "Miri should have been 1 month old", and then I caught myself.  Miri would have been 1 month old.  There's a difference, and it's an important one...Would have means "if it were not for the unfortunate circumstances", but "should have" means a little more--that something isn't quite right and it was supposed to be differently.  And part of being at peace with the situation means realizing that this is the way it was meant to be.  It shouldn't be different than it is.  This is it, and as much as I sometimes wish otherwise, I was meant to have lost her.  She was not meant to be 1 month old.  

In any event, Miri would have been 1 month old, and although I feel happy, confident, and peaceful, there are still plenty of moments that catch me off guard.  The obvious ones--people who hadn't seen me in a long time saying "Congratulations"--although, these don't nearly cause the same anxiety-filled reaction as some of the others.  It's more the people who ask, "How's the baby?", wanting to know how my almost 3 year-old daughter is, because in their eyes she still is a baby.  And my heart races, I think to myself, "Don't they know I lost the baby?  How can I explain it without making them feel ill-at-ease?"  It took a few times of someone else saying, "Whitney is fine." before I realized the intent of the question.  And there are the other moments that force me to do a double-take.  Friends, cousins, etc who are pregnant, and as proud and excited as a new mom should be.  I'm not jealous, I'm not sad, it doesn't bring me back to that dark place I was in so many weeks ago, but there are moments that give me pause.  My cousin had posts on Facebook,  "3rd Trimester already!"  "2 months to go!"  "Can't believe the baby will be here in 3 more weeks!"  Those sort of things, while very innocent on her part and something we all do as first time moms, now give me a very different reaction.  While I used to share in the excitement of the moment, now when I hear those comments, one word and one word alone always pops into my head...Maybe.  Maybe she'll be here soon.  Maybe you really have 3 weeks left.  Maybe if you are not one of the unlucky ones.  I feel awful that I can't get as excited as I once would have, but this is now my experience.  It gives me a new perspective on the old adage, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."  I always knew what it meant, but it's visceral now.  Even today, when I heard another cousin announce "It's a girl!", my gut gave me an overwhelming feeling of "I hope she makes it."  I really can't count on a baby being born alive until it is.  That sigh of relief at viability day, when they tell you if something goes wrong and we have to take the baby, it'll have a 95% or higher chance of survival, still is no real sigh of relief.  Had I been able to predict what happened over the weekend, I could have had a c-section on Saturday and a 95% chance or higher that Miri would be alive and healthy today.  It's dumbfounding sometimes.  

One thing that a good friend of mine taught me is that in the Jewish faith, when a woman is pregnant, you never offer her congratulations.  Instead of Mazel Tov, you say, "B'sha-ah Tova", meaning, "all in good time."  And having gone through a stillbirth, I can now see the wisdom in it.  Congratulations is for things which have already happened, not for things you anticipate will happen.  All in good time...how true.

One of the tasks that I saved until I was better able to deal with my emotions was returning the gifts that were meant for Miri.  My grandmother had purchased matching outfits for her and Whitney for the spring, and I couldn't keep either of them.  I didn't need anything newborn sized, and putting Whitney in it would just be another reminder that Miri isn't here anymore.  So I called my grandmother and asked for the receipt, then went to the mall.  When the sales lady asked me what my reason was for the return, I figured I should be honest...not many stores will allow a return that is more than 3 months old.  I cried a bit while telling her, but she was sympathetic and went ahead with a merchandise credit for me.  It wasn't fun, but one more task checked off the list and one more element of closure.