Most days I'm incredibly happy and excited about having a baby. It won't be long now, and I'm so looking forward to Annalie finally being here. I know underneath it all, there's nervousness and anxiety, but I really have been trying hard not to dwell on those feelings and to put them away. It's not healthy for me and it's not healthy for Annalie. But it's clear after last night that I'm
still working through things subconsciously with the pregnancy. I woke up this
morning at 5:00 after having a heart-wrenching dream. It was Annalie's birthday. I was in the
operating room, having my c-section. My OB got Annalie out, and I heard her cry. He held her up above the curtain for me to see, and then he handed
her off to a nurse so she could be cleaned and weighed. I dreamed that the nurse took her, walked out of the room and
never came back. I asked where she went and when I could hold her, but the nurse had disappeared off the floor. No one could find her, and I never got to hold my baby. I sat in my room alone, without a baby, and I had to leave the
hospital empty-handed yet again. After that, I woke up and couldn't
settle back to sleep. I definitely still have fears that I need to come to
grips with.
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